New Game- Pandora Style!~

Hey there little poppyseeds! (Wouldn't it be strange if I called you that all the time?) So, I don't really know where this is going to go, but let's just hit gas and travel down this road that I've put you on! Here, we, go!

You guys don't know this, but I just spent two hours doing nothing....

I'm glad that classes are starting back up again, hopefully then I'll have some better material to write. But for now, I'm going to write about songs.

You see, I'm listening to Pandora, so for this game I'll say a few of my thoughts on the next five songs that come on! (I'm not good at making up games, but bear with me.) Hmm, what should I name this new awful game that I'll probably never play again??? I got it!

 

Pandora Pondering!

Hosted and answered by Kellie!

 

 

 

• Low, by Flo Rida. Okay, for one I don't know a whole lot of girls that like to be called "Shawty" so unless that's her name, please stop. Okay, this song is based at a strip club so if Shawty McHottie (You like her new name? I do.) is a professional then naturally it makes sense that she would "be getting low" and that you would pay her for her very tactful dancing. Ps, boots with fur and saggy sweat pants are really comfy, buuuut probably isn't what strippers wear.
• Stay With Me, by Sam Smith.  So this song sounds and has the words of a whiney teenager's diary. Sam's voice is EXTREMELY child like! He's begging this girl that he had a one night stand with to stay with him because he thinks they might have something more? He's right, he clearly isn't good at one night stands.
• I Knew You Were Trouble, by Taylor Swift. Sigh, Taylor you and I should really sit down and have a chat about your love life. I know I have problems, but at least I don't jump on every guy I see, especially not the ones that look like trouble. By the way, he broke your heart so you're laying on the cold hard ground? Girl, I would be in PJs on the sofa with a tube of Ben and Jerry's. At least you're never ever getting back together, right?
• Turn Down for What, by DJ Snake and Lil John. I'm not going to say that I dislike this song, because I don't...but have you ever seen the video? Don't! When I imagine this song I picture a club and the cops come in complaining about the noise and everyone is like, "turn down for what?" This song has a great club beat to it, but it only has ten words.....and four of them are in the title!
• Am I Wrong, by Nico and Vinz. I will admit, I dramatically sing this in the car. and I enjoy it. It's a nice song. Pretty much asking "am I wrong for thinking what I think?" He thought him and some girl would hit it off and they didn't and was he wrong for thinking this? no. But I have a question, did he steal Sam Smith's diary? Because it kind of sounds like it, just a little less....crying-ish.(new word, you like?)

Alright, that was five, although I don't know, I could probably keep going. I might have to play this game again, it was interesting. If there's a song you want me to share my thoughts on go ahead and comment. And if I offended your favorite song then I'm sorry, but really I'm not. My opinions. I hope you guys have a wonderful week. And hey, if you're ever listening to the radio or another music option like Pandora, try to actually listen to what you're hearing. I find it fascinating what we hear when we actually listen.



From my corner to your heart, K.

I'm not Okay.

There have been some things in my life. Things that I've done that I'm not proud of, things that I've hidden from people. Hidden from the people that I love. If you've read some of my other posts before you can see that this one is different. There's no funny or cute picture with a witty caption, there's no colored words. There's not even a title that I find humorous or punny. There's none of that right now, because this post, this one right here isn't like the others.

My posts are usually helpful, at least to some extant, and maybe this one will be too. I don't know. As I said earlier, there are some things that I'm not proud of that I've done. Secrets that I've kept. There are even lies that I've told to people.

All my life I've been told to hide my feelings because showing emotions like sadness is like showing a weakness. If you've seen the movie Frozen, the phrase "Conceal don't feel, don't let it show" may come to mind.

When people ask, "Are you okay?" or "Is there something the matter?" my response is ALWAYS "Yeah, I'm fine" or "Nope nothing" or some alike set of words.

The truth?

I'm not that okay, and frankly, I'm not fine. I'm terrified.

Of the future.

Of the unknown.

Of being rejected.

A while ago I typed about a break up that I had an although in that post I seemed semi-okay with it I really wasn't. I caught myself thinking thinks like, "Am I not good enough?" "What's wrong with me?" "What did I do wrong?"

Recently this guy took me to a school dance, everyone told me he wanted to be my boyfriend, so that entire night I was thinking, "Finally! I didn't screw up! Someone actually finds me attractive!" Long story short, we went to the dance and he spent the entire night with another girl.

It hurt. A lot.

I went home that night and my dad asked how everything went. I told him it went great and I had a lot of fun.

I went up to my room and silently bawled my eyes out.

I thought again what it was that I did wrong. Was I too modest? If I was more slutty would he like me? (Pardon my language)

Every time I see him those same questions burn in the back of my mind. But naturally I don't voice them.

I'm not "Okay" guys. I'm not even close.

I've written so many drafts of other posts that I want to give out but I never press that send button because I'm too worried thinking, "What if they don't like it?" I know it shouldn't matter, I mean I started this blog for fun, just to let my thoughts out.

Here's my thought know, I'm scared.

Friends say it's just a phase that I'll grow out of, but I'm not too sure.

The word Okay is defined as "satisfactory but not exceptionally or especially good." so more or less a middle ground between good and bad. no man's land.

I'm thinking though, maybe I'm not okay right now, but maybe one day I will be. Heck, maybe one day I'll be Good. or Great even.

I guess the whole point is, not being okay is fine, as long as you know you're not okay. Does that make sense?

Like Schrodinger's (spelling?) cat. Right now the cat is you and you are both okay and not okay, and no one will know which you are until you show them. I think I just made that more confusing...

It's like you're nothing until you decide to be. Like right now I'm deciding to be not okay, at least until I can find something that makes me okay. Like a turning point in my life. A turning point for the better. And until I find that thing that turns me around I'm not okay?

So right now the focus shouldn't be on whether I'm okay or not, but on finding that thing that helps me move forward.

An object in motion stays in motion, and an object at rest stays at rest. So I'm in rest until a force moves me forward, my turning point.

That point could be anything! A person, a hobby, music, literature, classes, knowledge, the possibilities are endless.

What I'm trying to say in this long drawn out self-revelation is, eventually a force will effect you causing you to be Okay, or even better. You just have to find that force.

Maybe this was a helpful post after all.

From my corner to your heart, K

Update and a single shout out.

Can I just say how so sorry I am. I know, I say that a lot, but still, I mean it. I've been so busy lately. I haven't even had time to come up with a topic for this post. But, while I spend a moment collecting my thoughts here's a picture! Here, we, go!

Can I just say, how true is this? Right now, while I type I'm doing math homework, and listening, LISTENING to the audio book of  "The Picture of Dorian Gray." That's right, I don't even have enough time to actually read the book.

On top of all this, I've been working from four to ten about every night. Except for Fridays, when I have football games to play at (in the band). Last Saturday was homecoming, and I realized that I didn't even want to go, I just wanted to stay home and sleep.

This is my Senior Year, it should be easy, right? I shouldn't have to worry about anything, except for what pranks to pull, right??

Apparently not. I meant to clean my room over this weekend, but it looks like that's not going to happened. Erg! Next week, I'm taking the constitution test, at least that'll be somewhat easy.

OH! before I forget! Big shout out to everyone who is or has suffered from breast cancer.  Every day this month I think how lucky I am, and my heart goes out to the families whose loved ones have passed away.

I am inviting all of you, anyone who happens to be reading this, please on Fridays of October wear pink, even boys. (We all know that real men wear pink) One other thing, just enjoy life.

Life is one of the greatest things that we have, and you shouldn't waste it. (This does not endorse YOLO. If you promote YOLO then I send my heart out to you, and your silly and possibly stupid decisions.)

From my corner to your heart, K.
(I will try my hardest to start posting every week again, at least.)

The Broken Picture

I'm not in the best of moods right now, and since this is my page I'm going to explain to you why. here, we, go.

Okay, so I have these two friends (for all intense and purposes we'll call them B and M.) I asked them if I could share their story but they're only letting me release part of it, so it's a little incomplete.

Here's a little background first. First, last year we all went with our church the is camp type thing, called CIY Move (Really fun, if you have a chance go.) There was me, B, M, and our friend Jess. Second, B and M are sisters. Third, B and M's parents are split up and they live with their mother.

At the beginning of this year we all promised that we would all go again, we had our rooming assignments all figured out and it would be all awesome. We were all so excited. I was going to room with B and M, and Jess was going to be in the single next to us.

Well then Jess comes up, around Christmas break, and tells us that this other thing (Babyfold) was the same week as CIY, and she had already signed up for Babyfold. We responded with wishes that she have a good time with the kids, and to take plenty of pictures.

That was the first crack in the picture we had imagined.

A couple of months pass, and B is fighting with her mother over some stuff. B has finally had enough and announces that she wants to move and live with her father. This sets her mother off on a terror. B does and currently is living with her father in a different city. She didn't take M with her.

Another crack.

The mother decides that since B isn't living with her anymore that the mother doesn't have to pay for CIY anymore. Keep in mind that the deposit had already been turned in and processed.

B told me that she was out, and she felt really bad, but she couldn't pay for it. (There was some other stuff too, not just the money issue, but they don't want me talking about that part.)  I was upset, but I understood that there wasn't much she could do about it.

More cracks.

School ended way too soon. I tried getting into contact with M, to talk about CIY and how we could still both have fun, even if B and Jess weren't going to be there.  I sent her texts, Facebook messages, and even e-mails, but I never got a response.

We ship out to CIY on Monday, the 22. M finally got back to me yesterday, the 17th. She said that she wasn't going. She didn't explain why, she didn't even say sorry.

Bam, the picture broke!

So now I'm out a roommate, because everyone has been planning for this thing since at the very least May. I'll be sitting on the bus without any of my best friends, I'll be eating my meals with my guy friend, and that's only if he's still going too!

Yes, I know what you're thinking, but Kells, now you can just make new friends. You know what? That's true, but still! We had started planning this and we all promised that we'd go, and now I'm the only one keeping that promise!

Half of me doesn't even want to go anymore, but I already paid, so I have to. I just hope this isn't all a bust.

This wasn't helpful, again, but this is kind of a big deal for me. Haven't you ever had people break a promise? It hurts. And It makes you think, 'Why even bother trying to make a picture, when it so easily can crack?'

From my corner to your heart, K.
(P.S. Sorry if this was so long.)
(P.P.S. I won't be on next week because of CIY.)

Job Limbo List

So for the past few months (ever since school ended) I've been job searching. I just want to say that all those businesses that aren't going to hire me because I'm not 'old enough' ya'll are missing out! because.....here, we, go.

That's right guys, Kellie is trying to get her life back together by getting a job. Man, do I want a job. My summer has been pretty dull, and I have stuff that I want (like a new laptop or a new flute) and to get that I need this thing called money.

What's worse is that my father is practically breathing down my neck, because if I don't get a "real" job then I have to work for him. That goes against one of my rules. The Platinum rule: Never work with family. It's really frustrating too, because I can't just apply at a McDonalds or something because the hours HAVE to be flexible around marching band and concert band.

Sometimes I hate band.

But, to be helpful I'm making a list of things to keep in mind while waiting for places to wake up and hire you.

Limbo List!

 

• Why you're doing this. I want that new flute. I need that new laptop.
• Who you're going to meet. Maybe your to be co-worker will become famous and remember you then mention you to a really hot friend.
• Is life a movie? No, but if it was you'd meet your new boy/girlfriend at work.
• Your friends can meet you! That is...if you have friends, then they can pop in and see you at work!
• Less time with the 'rents. I love my parents, but they can be sometimes overbearing.
• More birthday celebrations! Who doesn't love a happy birthday once a year.
• Making someone else's day. All it takes is a smile.

 

 

 

That's all I got. Just repeat the motto: "I is kind, I is smart, I is important!" but don't put that on your resume....then you really won't get hired.

 

From my corner to your heart, K.

How I delt. (Bad Rolemodel, Kellie)

Gosh, I feel like I should be posting better stuff but...I...it has to be...fine before I wimp out, here, we, go.

Obviously, this picture kind of explains my feelings right now. Life sort of sucks for right now. Let me expand...

SO, I told you about that guy, his name was Stone. We were together for about a few months, which now saying it makes this sound pathetic. (If you don't know anything about this, click here.)

One night, during one of my family's Sunday night dinners, he texts me. "Hey, Im breaking up w/u." I responded "Why?" and waited for an answer. A few hours passed so I texted him, "Why?" again. At midnight I get a text back, "It just didn't feel right."

All I could do was lay there. That was the cheesiest line I had ever heard. This coming from a guy who woke me up with a morning text with some sort of endearment. He would hold my hand in the hall (with entertwined fingers) and walk me to class. He'd kiss me before he left for wrestling practice, or he'd walk me to my car.

I felt so stupid. I thought someone had actually cared for me. It's different, when it's a guy.

I've realized, I've never been dumped before. Let me tell you something guys, getting dumped SUCKS, like hardcore, slam you in the face suck-age.

I hated feeling that way, I felt like I wasn't good enough, like every single compliment he said had been a lie. But you have to move on with your life, right? Yes. So, this is how I got over him, and I suggest you do not follow my lead because I'm not proud of what I did.

 

The K(ellie) in BreaK-up. (These are in no certain order.)

 

• Change the contact. His used to be "Stonie <3" but don't change it to "heartbreaker" or "Jerk-face" just change it to "Stone." Like everyone else in your phone.
• Movie-fest. I try to stay away from the romantics, so I go for action and superhero movies. I also try and stay away from comedy.
• The Rut. Everyone has this. This is when you stare up at your ceiling, not texting, not talking, not even thinking. Almost like you're dead to the world. This is the most depressing part.
• Dopamine. That's the pleasure chemical stuff in your brain. I get mine from exercise. Just remember if you do start exercising, be sure that you're staying hydrated and healthy.
• Denial. "Yeah, he'll call me back. It was probably just a friend that stole his phone. He'll come to his senses." Trust me, that usually doesn't happen.
• Try for Jealousy. I wore the outfits that I knew he liked, always had my hair up, and hung out with all my guy friends.
• Fake it. I surrounded myself with friends and whenever he looked over I would smile and nod, maybe laugh, as if I didn't even notice he was there.
• Music. At first it was all sad stuff and instrumentals, but then it changed into P!nk.
• Cartoon marathon. In PJs and with popcorn mixed with milkduds.
• Deleting the contact but failing and ending up staring at the number wishing he would call. I'm not proud.

 

 

 

The worst part about it was waking up in the morning without that "Good morning beautiful"s.

Okay, this has gone on long enough. Hell, I might not even post this.

 

From my corner to your heart, K.

(P.S. I promise[maybe] the next video will be more helpful. I just had to get this off my chest.)

Blog-ception anyone?

Hey'yal! So, obviously I've kind of been away for a while. Sorry about that. In almost all honesty, I nearly forgot I even had this thing! So, I felt like I should post something, but I don't know what. Then it hit me! I'll just write about how I write about stuff! At least until I can actually think of something to write about...here, we, go!

How to Blog a Blog (Kell's Way!)

 

1. The first thing I do is I watch the people around me. I see what they have trouble with, or what trends are happening in their life, just stuff like that.
2. Second, I write it down. I always have a notebook with me, and when I don't then I have my phone. If I don't write down what I'm thinking then it never gets remembered.
3. This is when the writing process begins. Half the time I write during my classes when the teacher loses my interest. Those make the best blogs.
4. Intro time! Once I have my topic I always write my intro first. Usually it's the easiest, because it's mostly just saying "Hey, today I'm writing about [insert topic here]"
5. Red, orange, green. If you haven't noticed yet, at the end of my intro I always have the here, we, go. I'll tell you the story behind that another time :)
6. Next is one of my favorite parts, the picture!!
   If you didn't see, I haven't put one up yet, but to everyone in the USA, happy late 4th of July!
    
   
7. Body. I like to do lists, so that's usually the format of my style.
8. Story time! If I put in a personal story of my own then I just write it, but if I'm using someone else's life story then I ALWAYS ask for permission to use it.
9. C'est fini. Once my list is done I wrap it all up in a quick couple of sentences then I end with my signature...

 

 

From my corner to your heart, K.
(P.S. sometimes I put in P.S.'s)
(P.P.S. I know this was dull, but I promise it'll get better)