I'm not Okay.

There have been some things in my life. Things that I've done that I'm not proud of, things that I've hidden from people. Hidden from the people that I love. If you've read some of my other posts before you can see that this one is different. There's no funny or cute picture with a witty caption, there's no colored words. There's not even a title that I find humorous or punny. There's none of that right now, because this post, this one right here isn't like the others.

My posts are usually helpful, at least to some extant, and maybe this one will be too. I don't know. As I said earlier, there are some things that I'm not proud of that I've done. Secrets that I've kept. There are even lies that I've told to people.

All my life I've been told to hide my feelings because showing emotions like sadness is like showing a weakness. If you've seen the movie Frozen, the phrase "Conceal don't feel, don't let it show" may come to mind.

When people ask, "Are you okay?" or "Is there something the matter?" my response is ALWAYS "Yeah, I'm fine" or "Nope nothing" or some alike set of words.

The truth?

I'm not that okay, and frankly, I'm not fine. I'm terrified.

Of the future.

Of the unknown.

Of being rejected.

A while ago I typed about a break up that I had an although in that post I seemed semi-okay with it I really wasn't. I caught myself thinking thinks like, "Am I not good enough?" "What's wrong with me?" "What did I do wrong?"

Recently this guy took me to a school dance, everyone told me he wanted to be my boyfriend, so that entire night I was thinking, "Finally! I didn't screw up! Someone actually finds me attractive!" Long story short, we went to the dance and he spent the entire night with another girl.

It hurt. A lot.

I went home that night and my dad asked how everything went. I told him it went great and I had a lot of fun.

I went up to my room and silently bawled my eyes out.

I thought again what it was that I did wrong. Was I too modest? If I was more slutty would he like me? (Pardon my language)

Every time I see him those same questions burn in the back of my mind. But naturally I don't voice them.

I'm not "Okay" guys. I'm not even close.

I've written so many drafts of other posts that I want to give out but I never press that send button because I'm too worried thinking, "What if they don't like it?" I know it shouldn't matter, I mean I started this blog for fun, just to let my thoughts out.

Here's my thought know, I'm scared.

Friends say it's just a phase that I'll grow out of, but I'm not too sure.

The word Okay is defined as "satisfactory but not exceptionally or especially good." so more or less a middle ground between good and bad. no man's land.

I'm thinking though, maybe I'm not okay right now, but maybe one day I will be. Heck, maybe one day I'll be Good. or Great even.

I guess the whole point is, not being okay is fine, as long as you know you're not okay. Does that make sense?

Like Schrodinger's (spelling?) cat. Right now the cat is you and you are both okay and not okay, and no one will know which you are until you show them. I think I just made that more confusing...

It's like you're nothing until you decide to be. Like right now I'm deciding to be not okay, at least until I can find something that makes me okay. Like a turning point in my life. A turning point for the better. And until I find that thing that turns me around I'm not okay?

So right now the focus shouldn't be on whether I'm okay or not, but on finding that thing that helps me move forward.

An object in motion stays in motion, and an object at rest stays at rest. So I'm in rest until a force moves me forward, my turning point.

That point could be anything! A person, a hobby, music, literature, classes, knowledge, the possibilities are endless.

What I'm trying to say in this long drawn out self-revelation is, eventually a force will effect you causing you to be Okay, or even better. You just have to find that force.

Maybe this was a helpful post after all.

From my corner to your heart, K